Wednesday, August 3, 2016

Thanks, tire slasher

DEAR POS AND/OR dirtball who slashed the car tires in our alley Monday night;

Thank you.

I really appreciate it. You did me a huge favor. I can never repay my debt to you. I would like to, however. So come on down to Calftown and I will personally express my gratitude. Unless my neighbors do it first.

We were headed to the store Tuesday morning and drove out of the alley when I felt something wrong. Sheryl said, "Do we have a flat tire?"

Yes. We had a flat tire. So did our neighbors on either side of the alley.

Turns out the tire was slashed. Frank Haxel, always in the wrong place at the wrong time, put the spare on for me. We found the spot where it was slashed.

I am not sure if you acted alone or had help. After all, it takes brains, brawn and planning to stand in an alley at 2 a.m. and say, "I'm going to run down this alley and slash one tire on every vehicle I see!" One of my neighbors was spared because he has a security light and I'm sure it turned on when you went up to his vehicle, so at least you weren't totally chicken-shit and scared off by something as simple as a light.

Oh. Wait. You were scared? Sorry about that. I hope you recover from your fright.

One of my neighbors, an older guy, had to walk to his doctor's appointment yesterday morning. That's quite a hike. But he's a walker anyway and he wasn't going to let your behavior make him miss it. On the other hand, I missed an appointment yesterday because of your actions. I walked to work, and Sheryl called the police. A very nice officer met with Sheryl and canvassed the neighborhood, but I haven't heard if you slashed more than three tires.

My other neighbor wasn't happy. "Better hope I don't find who did this," he said, gritting his teeth.

There was a nasty thunderstorm overnight Monday. I sure hope you didn't get wet, dirtball. I would hate for you to be uncomfortable while you were slashing tires. Man, that would suck.

This story has a good ending, fortunately. I took my car to Delta Tire. Turns out both of the my back tires needed to be replaced, and the tire you slashed had a nail in it and would have gone flat anyway. I don't look at it as $225 spent, I look at it as $225 spent sooner or later. Plus my back brakes are nearly gone, so I get to spend another small fortune fixing them as some point, but at least the tires were off my car and they got a good look. The tire guy said, "At least they cut the old tire."

So. Thanks, dirtball. Thank a lot. You helped me avoid a flat tire while driving somewhere, and you helped me get ready to fix my brakes so I don't crash into somebody. Please come back, and we will extend our non-heartfelt appreciation for your kind and thoughtless actions. You can meet my dogs, too.

We'll even turn the lights on for you.

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