Monday, December 24, 2012

Christmas Carols of Doom!

EVERY CHRISTMAS FOR the past million years, I've written Christmas Carols of Doom in my Herald-Whig column. Sadly, there is no more column. But I'm sleeping at night.

Anne Mays recently gave me a bunch of the columns from over the years. It's taking me back, and made me think. Why stop now?

The Water Is Atrocious Here
(Sung to O Little Town Of Bethlehem)
The water is atrocious here
It smells like moldy socks
Some people claim it makes you sick
But I just think they're nuts
We need some rain and snow now
The river's drying up
So we can sip a drink again
Without throwing up

The Sidewalks Are Causing Trouble
(Sung to We Wish You A Merry Christmas)
The sidewalks are causing trouble
The sidewalks are causing trouble
The sidewalks are causing trouble
In Hannibal town
The owners want brick
and paths that are clear
So let's chop the street up
While the tourists are here

Burgers Play
(Sung to Jingle Bells)
Burgers play, Burgers play
Every weekend night
Bassist says it's his last year
Get every gig in sight, OH!
Burgers play, Burgers play
Rock and roll excess
And as Roadie Frankie says
"We'll sleep when we are dead"

Music Store
(Sung to Silent Night)
Music store, downtown lore
Christmas time, sales divine
Guitars, drums, all the gear
Fifth and Maine is rocking here
What a time we have had!
What a great time we have had


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