Wednesday, September 9, 2015

Make me the NFL Discipline Czar

EVERYBODY IS UP in arms about Tom Brady and his soft balls. He was suspended. Then a judge rescinded the suspension. So Brady, a Michigan man, will be throwing his balls Thursday night when the NFL season kicks off.

The NFL, ever image conscious, couldn't have scripted it any better. As if there isn't enough hoopla surrounding the season-opener, now we have Brady and his balls to make it even more interesting.

No Soft Balls allowed.
We are enduring endless stories about the balls. ESPN has already basically devoted an entire magazine, show and budget to Brady's balls. We will have a needle on the sideline to make sure Brady doesn't overinflate his balls. The announcers will make glib comments about Brady's balls being too soft or too hard when the receivers drop his balls.

The NFL Commissioner, Roger Something Or Other, is concerned and may try to hire somebody to discipline players. I suggest he hire me. And here is why - it has nothing to do with Tom Brady's balls.

I don't like anybody in the NFL.

I don't like the billionaire players who crash head-first into each other and take interview lessons from Richard Sherman. And I don't care about the owners, who couldn't care less about the fans, who couldn't afford to go to an NFL game unless they win the lotto. And I don't care about Roger What's His Name, who collects millions to oversee an empire.

Sure, I watch the games. I have all my life. Sure, I'd love to see the Lions make a run and get into the playoffs. If chosen to be the new Discipline Czar, I will show severe favoritism to the Lions, who need all the help they can get. The Cowboys cheated to beat them last year, and that won't happen again under my watch. The Dolphins might get some help too, just for Sheryl's sake.

But I don't care about any other teams. I do care if Rams and Bears fans aren't squirming and complaining about their quarterbacks completing passes to the other teams.

Hire me, Roger. I will learn your last name, and I'll lay the smack down on anybody who dares to play with soft balls. Or cheats. Or roots for the Steelers, Packers or Jets.

And everybody better play with their proper balls.

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