Thursday, September 29, 2016

Our elevator is running for president

I AM HAVING a political fundraiser next week. It's to promote the new Elevator Party. That's right, the Elevator Party.

The candidate is on the far east end of our historic Fifth and Maine building. His name is Hollister Whitney. He was born in 1920. He stopped working in the early 1960s. It will cost $50,000 to get him up and running again. We have an Elevator Restoration Fund started, but it's a tip jar and the biggest bills are Mauler Buckeroos (fake money stamped with America's best tribute band instead of Bens and Georges).

You'd think the people who birthed Hollister would be interested. They know about him. But we've received no response. We can prove his birth records! But in the end it is up to us to fix him and get him back on the ballot.

HW for Prez?
Ideally, he'd run for president The problem is that Hollister has more class, chutzpah and sense than the two major candidates. Actually, I'm thinking about inviting Gary Johnson over for a photo op. And maybe voting for him, too. So we are doing a write-in campaign, instead of a ride along campaign, since Hollister's engine is busted and rusting away in the attic.

Quincy just had an event like this. It cost $100 to get in. It cost $1,000 to get your photo taken with the family member of a person running for president. Sheryl says that is a very sad statement no matter how you say it. Three hundred people attended, according to a reporter who was there, though the TV stations said the press was not allowed to enter.

Do the math - that's about $30,000 raised, without photo ops. It might buy a 30-second TV ad in a major market. Maybe. I don't know about these things.

So I'm doing the same thing for Hollister. A hundred bucks is nothing to the deep pocketed around here. More power to 'em if they go. And a thousand to take a picture with ole HW? No big deal for the rich. It's like us investing in a leaf blower. Huff and puff, huff and puff, huff and puff. Politics, right? Come out and spend your money locally and help a guy out.

So come meet Hollister, learn about his platform, and find out why he'd make a great candidate. And if you want to find out more, just climb the stairs in our five-story building. Hollister, like the other presidential candidates, is stuck on the first floor and ain't moving till we can give him a boost.

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